There are two misconceptions about charisma.
The first?
Charisma is seen as an elusive trait that people either have or don’t have–this is not true.
The second?
Charisma is about being in the spotlight and the centre of attention–also untrue.
Real charisma is about how you make others feel.
As a result, it’s a trait that can be developed and honed.
The term ‘charisma’ comes from the Greek word meaning “favour freely given” or “grace.” This origin reveals its true essence: charisma is about giving something back to the people you interact with. It’s not about demanding attention; it’s about redirecting that attention back to your audience, making them feel heard, seen, and valued.
The true essence of charisma
Many people believe that charisma is about being the most extroverted person in the room or having a commanding presence.
However, true charisma is about creating a sense of authority and respect through genuine interactions.
By focusing on making others feel special, you invite them into a dynamic where they naturally want to engage with you and listen to what you have to say.
Charisma is not about changing who you are but enhancing how you connect with others. It’s about showing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings and responding in a way that makes them feel appreciated.
Charisma vs. confidence and gravitas
While charisma, confidence, and gravitas often go hand in hand, they serve different roles in communication.
Charisma is about making others feel at ease and intrigued by your presence.
It’s the “X factor” that makes people want to engage with you. Confidence is your self-assurance in your abilities, and gravitas gives weight and authority to what you say.
For instance, an airline pilot needs gravitas to be taken seriously due to the nature of their job. However, charisma is about how they make passengers feel reassured and confident in their abilities without needing to be overly inspiring or flamboyant.
Developing charisma across genders and personalities
Charisma transcends gender and personality types. It is a universal trait that can be developed regardless of how you identify or where you come from. The ingredients of charisma — openness, empathy, and the ability to make others feel special — are the same for everyone.
A man’s voice might carry gravitas with its depth, but a woman can exhibit the same level of resonance and authority. Charismatic individuals are found across all walks of life, demonstrating that the key qualities of charisma are about internal characteristics rather than external appearances.
How to learn charisma
Is charisma innate, or can it be taught?
While some people naturally light up a room, charisma can indeed be developed.
The process involves fostering an openness and what I call an “inner twinkle” that resonates with others.
Teaching charisma focuses on helping individuals open up to their more authentic selves, not superficially but in a way that truly connects with others.
Practical steps to cultivate your charisma
To develop your charisma, start with these practical steps:
Breathing
Practice slow, deep breathing to calm your nerves and center yourself. Place your hand on your lower stomach and breathe in for a count of three, then out for three. Do this three times to help settle your mind.
Find your inner twinkle
Think of adding a twinkle to your interactions. This doesn’t mean being inauthentic or performative. Instead, it’s about adding a layer of warmth and genuineness to your communication.
Imagine you’re at a networking event filled with potential clients and business partners. Among the attendees is someone you’ve been eager to meet.
As you approach this person, instead of diving straight into business talk, you flash a genuine, warm smile and say, “Hi, I’m Alex. It’s great to be here among so many innovative people.” Your tone is friendly and inviting, making it clear that you’re not just there for transactional reasons but to make real connections.
You listen intently as they share a bit about their work. Nodding and showing genuine interest, you respond with insightful comments that show you’re really paying attention, “That sounds like a fascinating project. How did you come to work on that?”
Such open-ended questions invite them to share more, and your enthusiastic yet relaxed demeanor makes them feel comfortable and valued.
As the conversation flows, you sprinkle in light-hearted comments and share a brief anecdote about your own experience in the industry, ensuring it’s relevant and not overshadowing their story.
As the interaction wraps up, you say, “I’ve really enjoyed our conversation, and I’d love to hear more about your work. Maybe we could continue this over coffee next week?” Your sincere interest and the easy charm with which you engage make them smile and nod in agreement.
By the end of your conversation, the potential client feels genuinely connected to you, not just because of what you said but because of how you made them feel – acknowledged and important.
The “inner twinkle” in your interaction turned what could have been a standard exchange into a memorable, positive experience that lays the groundwork for a future professional relationship.
Active listening
Active listening involves giving full attention to the speaker and showing interest in their message. It’s about hearing words and understanding the speaker’s intent and emotions.
For example, in a team meeting, Sarah noticed that John seemed frustrated. Instead of planning her next point, she paused and said, “John, it sounds like you have some concerns about this project. Can you tell us more about what’s troubling you?” This made John feel heard and valued, encouraging open dialogue.
Showing empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It involves putting yourself in their shoes and responding with compassion.
Example: When Lisa learned that her colleague’s pet had passed away, she sent a heartfelt note saying, “I’m truly sorry to hear about Bella. I know how much she meant to you and the memories you shared together. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.” This gesture showed genuine understanding and concern, strengthening their bond.
Maintain a positive body language
Positive body language enhances your message by making you appear open and approachable. This includes maintaining eye contact, smiling, and using open gestures.
Example: During a client presentation, Mark made sure to maintain eye contact with everyone in the room, smiled when appropriate, and used his hands to emphasise key points. This body language made the clients feel engaged and contributed to a successful presentation.
Use names
Using someone’s name during a conversation makes interactions more personal and engaging. It shows that you value the individual and have made the effort to remember their identity.
Example: When Tom greeted his new team member, he said, “Good morning, Jenna! I’ve heard great things about your work and look forward to collaborating with you.” Using her name right away helped Jenna feel welcomed and part of the team.
Wrapping up
Charisma can be adapted to suit various contexts, from delivering somber news with empathy to presenting a light-hearted speech. The key is maintaining a mindset focused on making your audience feel valued and special, regardless of the situation.
For example, even at a funeral, a charismatic speaker makes the audience feel connected and comforted, not because they seek attention or a personal motive but because they convey genuine care and empathy.
Charisma is a powerful tool that can transform your interactions and open up new opportunities in life. It’s about more than just making a good first impression; it’s about leaving a lasting impact on those you meet.
By practicing the techniques and mindsets discussed, you can develop a charisma that makes you more engaging and enriches the lives of those around you.
And it’s always worth supplementing your self-help practices with the support of an experienced public speaking coach who can provide you with more tailored guidance or enrol in an online public speaking short course.
Good luck! And if you want to hear more from me, you can find me on:
- YouTube
- Behind the mic on the Art of Communication Podcast
